How to Use the Bedtime Pass: A Gentle Bedtime Strategy for Kids
Children usually aren’t interested in going to bed alone in their room – they would rather stay up and play, or just spend more time with you! This can result in some major bedtime power struggles, stalling, or “curtain calls,” where they get out of bed over and over again to come see you.
Enter the Bedtime Pass! The bedtime pass is a card that allows your child one free trip out of their room or a visit from a parent after bedtime. While not a magical quick fix, it is one way to teach your child to stay in their bed (or at least their room) and fall asleep independently, with less stress and conflict than some other methods. This technique is so effective, its recommended by the American Association of Pediatrics and American Psychological Association. Here’s how its done:
Have a solid bedtime and routine established.
This may take a few weeks if you don’t already have one in place. A visual schedule for your little one can really help!
Following your bedtime routine, place your child in their bed and hand them their bedtime passes.
For the first few nights, they should start with three. As they improve and come to fully understand the concept, you can give them two, and eventually just one.
Remind your kiddo that if they call for you or leave their room, they will have to turn in a bedtime pass.
BUT – if they keep all three passes until morning, the passes can be exchanged for a special prize.
Once your child is in bed, you leave the room.
If your child calls out to you or leaves their room, respond to their request (a hug, glass of water), return them to bed, and take a pass.
If they leave bed after using up all their passes…
Return them to bed with minimal interaction. Do not respond to requests. Be boring!
What kind of reward or prize should I use?
Parental attention is highly motivating. You need to choose a prize that is more motivating than attention from you at night – this probably means extra attention from you in the morning! There are two important things to keep in mind when choosing your Bedtime Pass Reward:
You may have to give this prize every day for a few weeks, until the habit is formed. Make it simple and inexpensive, because a new toy or video game will certainly add up quick.
Something you can give immediately upon waking up in the morning will be most effective. Watching an episode of Bluey together, a dollop of whipped cream on top of breakfast, a special bow in their hair, or even you doing their morning chore for them if they’re older.
The reward needs to be worth staying in bed for. Over time, you may need to change the rewards to keep it fresh.
What do I do when my kid wakes up and has a meltdown?
Stay calm. Regulate your emotions and know that this is just how they are communicating their frustration with a big change. Have a key phrase prepared (“It’s night time, we need to be in our own beds. I will help you get to bed now.”) and repeat that whenever they are seeking your attention. If your child is prone to meltdowns, it may get worse before it gets better – this is a new boundary for them to test. Your consistency is the strongest predictor of success with this plan, so stick with it and be strong! If you are interested in support with this plan, contact me and I would love to coach you through this.